I long for home….Indeed, I find it so true that home is not necessarily a place. It could actually be a situation where you want to be – it is to be with the people you care most about, with the people you are most comfortable, with people where you can be what you really are, without feeling that you are being judged…It is with whom you can pour your heart out, its pain and its longing, and be healed. It is with whom you can open up your withering soul, and gain inspiration or draw strength so you can be renewed.
In one’s life, there are moments when you feel a certain sense of sadness and one never knows immediately why. You examine your life, and you tend to think – where is this coming from, when you see that you seem to have almost everything anyone can ever dream of, or you are in a place or have been to places where other people work so hard for to be; you have that own kind of success and a sense of accomplishment for what your children have accomplished for themselves…so, why all the sadness, the weariness, the pain, and the longing…?
Yes, I have that kind of longing for home, and I never realized the extent or the depth of the sense of sadness within in me till I looked back to a few years ago, when I visited my mother who was living then in downtown Los Angeles. I just thought that I should pay her a visit, I felt I had to be with her, and take care of her even for just a while. When I arrived, I saw how happy she was, and she was beaming with excitement. So, for a couple of months, we were inseparable. We roamed around town, we ate out most of the time, because neither of us would want to cook; because we’d rather go places rather than stay home and do the dishes. When we would be back at her place, we would stay late at nights – she would rather stay awake, to watch TV with me, or to prepare light bites for the two of us. We were like two young women having the best times of our lives…and then came the day that I was to leave…She begged me to stay, even for just a bit longer. She told me that this could be the last time that we were going to see each other. I hugged her tightly and I said – “Mom, you know that is not true. I will be back sooner than you could realize it.” So, with too much hesitation, she took me downtairs to my waiting cab. As my cab drove away, I looked back to see that she stood at the portal of her home, waving goodbye,and from afar, I saw that she stayed there till she could see me no more. I left with a kind of heaviness in my heart for I also saw in her eyes such an indescribable sorrow. A couple of months after I left her, one of my sisters called me up to say that our mother expired. She died from cancer of the liver. It was one of the saddest and most regrettable moments of my life. I grieved that she died, but I was more saddened by the thought that I was not there for her. I could have granted her simple wish for me to stay for just a little bit longer, but I didn’t…when I knew I could have. I regret that I did not give up my personal happiness at that time when she needed me…And this is the part where I say – if I knew then what I knew now – I would have stayed..definitely stayed….even for more than just a bit longer….I just realized that nothing is ever too much to give or too big a task to do when someone’s happiness or upliftment depends upon you…. I have come to understand her kind of sadness. She longed for home…and…. I was her home…“Your home is where your larger desires reside…It is your mansion in the sky, where the boundless in you abides. Its door is the morning mist, its windows are the songs and the silences of the night…”